GAY doesn't always mean "happy"

There was a time when I would get so angry with the world, (especially the GLBT world) that I would post something like the following which is still posted on a website that will remain nameless.

I give up! I have been online for several years and most people online only want a hot young piece of ass. Fat, Black and over 30 never fit into even the conversation plans of anyone. Abercrombie and BITCH seems to be the way of everyone's attraction. That leaves me out. All I ever wanted was to meet a diverse group of people and make friendships. But you pathetic fags play games and offer insults to those who don't fit within the stereotype of some twink with model like looks.

Yes, I enjoy finer things in life and intelligent conversation. But you would never know that for your refusal to see beyond the outside appearance. You stuck up bitches ignore me in public places, curse me on message boards and reject me everywhere else. I give up on you! I give up on trying to find any happiness, companionship or whatever within the gay community. You brats are bad whether it is in the big city, the "gayborhood" or right here in the boonies of the small town south. It's all the same everywhere and it is a shame.

If you want to prove me wrong please go ahead. Try to find out that I really could be the best friend you could ever have. But you don't have the nerve to give me the chance.

It was not that long ago when I posted that. I was really pissed off that night. It was a time like today when I really wish things had turned out different for me. For those in the GLBT community, that means "I wish I never came out!"

Last night I woke up after taking an evening nap and felt a heavy amount of emptyness. I wanted to go out but I fear the same challenges that I have faced for years. I would feel out of place and get tired of seeing others enjoying their time with friends and companions. You have to be a certain type of person and have the wonderful looks in order to fit in and I don't have that. So I honestly dont have the nerve to try again. It is like I want to have an instant solution for a social life AND especially for relationships but I know that is not going to happen.

So I sit on another Saturday night at home alone and surfing the web and listening to music. (Sounds pathetic doesn't it?) and my head is about to explode. I already had a frustrating day working, I was tired but I wanted to get out and do something, anything resembling possible "fun" and maybe enjoying the company of others. But I have no one to call and no one to call me and say "hey what are you doing tonight?" or at least "how are you". Everyone is busy out having fun and enjoying life WITH THEIR COMPANIONS!

Problem is, everyone has someone and I don't. It's that damnned threes a crowd thing. And even if I did go out with anyone, I would be the ODD man in the group.....the third, the fifth, the seventh. Either that or I find myself in a group where the the "cliques" develop. And I usually don't fit into that groove either.

It feels weird and probably looks worse for me to ask anyone how do I solve this "problem". I have asked many times over years and have never got a response to the question. But sometimes I get that "you'll find someone someday bullshit" from someone who has no idea how it feels to have never had any real relationships.

DAMMIT! I am so tired of being single, tired of failing at even getting a damn date, tired of meeting bullshit people with games and drama, tired of being looked down as if I were a low life piece of crap, tired of pretending that life is great and I could be happy being single.

Im just tired of all of this. And I am tired of working so damn much to fill the spaces.

Now if I post this blog, it may turn away potential mates, friends, or make those who do know me think that I am losing it. Or maybe people will think that I am unstable. I assure you that I am not unstable, but I also fully admit that I AM losing it! I have lost all patience and confidence in society and I don't know what to do about it. I really wish someone could suggest something that could really work. I wish there was someone who could understand and share some ideas.

But there I go again, wishing in one hand and............you know the rest.

Bullet proof shoes are a good idea!

I heard mention of this incident on a radio show, did a google search and found it easily. A DEA (Drug Enforcement Administration) officer is speaking at a Florida high school about crime and he displays an "unloaded" gun and shoots himself in the foot with it.

Video and Code Provided by BoFunk.com

You can hear him say that it was an unloaded gun 30 seconds into the video. As he talks about the gun he pulls the trigger once with the gun pointed in the air and then again with the gun pointed downward and he shoots himself in the foot.

Just before he shoots himself in the foot, he says "I'm the only one professional enough that I know of to handle this Glock 40".

So, is this officer a professional toe shooter? Did he shoot off his pinky toe?

Real life lessons here: Bullet proof shoes are a good idea! Guns are not toys. And one should double check or triple check themselves when it involves the safety of others...or risk making an ass out of youself by shooting yourself in the foot.